Life is a bitch

To anyone who ends up reading this,


Life is not as we expect, nor our actions. You can spend your whole time making wrong actions and, by not feeling guilty about them, you will never be blamed nor punished, because you can maintain the lie for the rest of your life and live OK with that. When you feel guilty, that shame will tease your brain every single day, until you get it of from you and be responsible for your own punishment. What is guilt anyway? What are its terms and range?


I can tell you about my life, my greatest love and my greatest sorrow. I have lived in search of a love, but all I have found was uncomfortable people, that was more than capable to hurt you, in the intention of protecting themselves of I-don't-know-what-exactly. I have came from a disrupted family, full of good intention and non intentions, that knows the full shit that life can be translated to.


One day I found that love, that thought of goodness, the will to see, touch, kiss, embrace without any negative thought, any doubt or anguish. Is the most peaceful feeling I have ever met in my life. And I am truly desperate to tell that this feeling needs to vanish from my mind. I have lived the unthinkable: being immensely fulfilled by just holding hands, a kiss, a hug, eyes with eyes, buying vegetables or watching the news, ... With this feeling gone, I just want to die. There is no achievement in my life that can compensate at any point what I have felt. I miss that skin, those eyelashes, those lips and those shoulders. I cannot describe to you how sad I am, how disappointed with a life I have always surpassed its challenges. I really do not understand what I need to learn by suffering this. I am immensely desperate.  There is no god or faith that is helping me at this time, and I am so alone. So alone. 


Anyway, life is a bitch, is a cliché that did not come by mistake. Life teaches more to some, than to others, and there is still a philosopher to come that can explain this odd mistake. I will pay a lifetime for my mistake, and that I feel that is a price too high for me to pay. Most people say we only have one life, but do I really want to live this life by knowing that I have failed?